Getting To Know My Boys

With a global pandemic, some things have changed in our household. One major way is that we have spent a lot more physical time with each other inside the house and now, in the car as I have become the main means of transport to and from school.

Inevitably, I have been given the opportunity to get to know my kids, I mean really know them. What I have found is that I enjoy their company. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the socks on the floor, the general slobbery that comes with having teenage boys and the occasional outbursts of testosterone-induced anger do get on my nerves. However, I must say that talking to my eldest boys has been a real treat. They have had some months now to learn about themselves, to understand their makeup and as they talk through some of their findings with me, I must say that I become more and more fascinated at the men they are becoming. They are essentially introducing themselves to me. When they were little I knew what could make them cry, how they behaved when they were tired and what toys they loved. Now they are letting me in and telling me what their heart’s desires are, what they hope for and what they fear. They are sharing the deepest part of themselves.

In general, my sons have grown to be very intuitive. They read people and situations well. They are very quiet in public . If you saw them in church with their heads planted into their hands they would just look like bored, sullen teens. But I have come to understand that the outward appearance is not telling the truth. They are listening, processing and making connections. Several time in the past six months I will think back to something my sons observed and note that they were right all along in their assessments of people and particular situations.

This comes with a particular responsibility as well. I have to remember that they are freely letting me in and that means sometimes my preferences and my own judgements need to be put aside. While it is most comfortable when my child looks, acts and thinks like me, it isn’t comfort I’m after. If I am to guide them in wisdom, I need to be invited to have the discussion. They won’t have the discussion with me if they believe I am trying to turn them into carbon copies of me. They’ll also clam up if they let me into their doubts and I show disgust or disdain for the questions themselves. And so, it becomes a balancing act. I gently probe, question their ideas and plans while communicating that they are not shocking me and that I am a safe place to bring those conflicting thoughts to.

As we chat on our many drives, I have the absolute privilege to be told “mom, I am lonely”, to be asked: “what if I can’t find someone to share my life with” “What will it look like when our brother with autism is an adult” “how shall we live if one of our parents passes away” “How to we live for Christ in an authentic way” “how can we flee what isn’t good for us but still entices us”? These are not hypotheticals. We have talked through all these things. And while I like to think that I am shaping my kids and stretching them, they are also doing the same for me.

The other day, one of my boys shared what he was doing to address a problem in his life. I was left stunned as he described the plan he had put in place, the use of technology and how much he had read on the topic in his attempt to get a handle on it. He was so purposeful and in that moment, I admired him. I looked at the boy who I rocked to sleep and admired the young man he was. His strength of character motivating me to emulate him. Imagine that!

I am so thankful for my sons. If one day the Lord calls me home, I hope they read this and I hope they will always remember how much I enjoy them.

Loving the Church When She Doesn’t Love You Back

As I write this article, in these unprecedented times of pandemic, my church has not yet released parameters for reopening after a 6 month suspension of our in-person gatherings. Our government is not among the most strict in their protocols and many choices are left up to the individual. For example, students can choose to remove their masks while in their school classrooms. Church goers can choose to meet without masks so long as they are distanced from one another. To say that I am worried about meeting again is an understatement. I have health concerns that leave me vulnerable to Covid 19. While I am young, my body’s immune system does not work normally. I also have four children that depend on me. It has been a very anxious time for our family. As our children must return to school (not being offered online options and having learning disabilities) our safe bubble is now burst. I have had to lay my anxiety on Christ but I admit, it has not been easy.

In speaking with a few families from our church and other friends, I can sense a tension and apprehension toward returning to gathering. Not because they don’t want to, in fact quite the opposite is true. These are families that live with the added burden of caring for someone who is immune compromised. Whether it be a child, parent or grandparent, these families have been tested to their limits these past 6 months. Their faith is frail, their minds are anxious and their spirits are worn. They are desperately craving the fellowship of the body. They need so badly to sing and to proclaim the Lord’s sovereignty over their lives as they daily remind themselves that “because He lives, they can face tomorrow”

So why is it more than likely that these will be the families absent when gatherings resume? Because of the lack of love and support shown to them by their brothers and sisters. What is supposed to be a family, is now showing its fractures and factions in these pressured times. You see, they have quietly read every Facebook post, every Tweet and every article questioning the validity of the virus, the usefulness of masks, the wisdom of lock-down measures. They have taken note of those that have traveled, met in large groups, not limited their social circle and disregarded, even mocked government mandated safety measures. They have read the messages that have stated that only the elderly have died (as if elderly lives are not important). The most pro-life advocates have now disregarded the lives of those with pre-existing conditions in their flippant statements that imply that only those people need worry, the rest can go on living normally.  These actions and statements are deeply hurtful. If someone with controlled asthma and diabetes catches Covid-19, does it matter that we parse hairs to determine what killed them, just so we can hold onto our preconceived notion that there is no real pandemic? 

What are the consequences of such a position to a church member that lives with a pre-existing condition? How would they feel reading your Facebook feed? Will they feel loved and cared for?  Will their concerns be valid enough for their church family to lay down their own rights to serve them? Based on experience, many, including myself, are not hopeful.  It will surely sting to continue watching the church service from our couch while the healthy enjoy their freedom to gather, and even more hurtful will be the assumption that we don’t valuer the gathering of the body like they do.

A few years ago, I was getting ready to deliver my fourth child. It was a difficult pregnancy and all the while I served my church as I always have. Right before my baby was born, I was having a conversation with a sister in Christ. She was telling me how she didn’t believe in vaccines and that none of her children were vaccinated. I told her that if that were the case, I couldn’t bring my newborn to church until he was vaccinated. We were in a whooping cough outbreak at the time and my doctor warned me to steer clear of unvaccinated people. My friend proceeded to take the time to educate me on how vaccines cause autism. Never mind that I was a mom of a son with autism and the callousness of her words hit hard, I was hurt that she didn’t even ask what she could do to ensure that I wouldn’t have to miss church for so long while waiting on my newborn’s vaccinations. Loving me would have at least required her asking me how she could serve me. 

I had spent years serving people sacrificially in this church, I had given so much for the well-being of this particular sister and her family, but she refused to love me back in that moment and well into the future. The pain was deep.

What to do when your church doesn’t love you back? Loving people who refuse to obey the commandments of the new testament either by willful ignorance or in protection of their rights, is one of the most difficult things we will be called to do. Especially in this pandemic.

And so, we look to Christ. He who loved his wayward bride while she was still hostile toward Him. Only by considering the radical love that our Lord Jesus demonstrated “while we were yet sinners”, can we even begin to love those that have so deeply disappointed us. Every day, consider the gospel and love people out of the abundance of love that has been lavished on you  by Christ, and NOT in your own strength. This is the Love of 1 Corinthians 13. This is the love that is called the fruit of the spirit. It isn’t a love that we muster, it is a love the Spirit grows in us as we abide in Him. 

Take measures to help yourself continue to love. Perhaps mute them on social media, gently try to explain your situation, put pride aside and explain how you feel and why it is so important for you to feel cared for by them. Do everything you can in order to help them love you. This is not the time to sit back and hope they get it. They probably won’t. Move toward your brothers and sisters in love. It will be difficult. From what it looks like on social media, people are digging in their heels, firmly planting their feet in one camp and they refuse to be moved. 

Pray against bitterness. While you may have every reason to feel angry, sad and abandoned, because in many cases, your church WILL abandon you, determine to not allow bitterness to take root. Look to Christ again, who was not bitter when Peter denied Him, when his disciples couldn’t even keep watch and pray, when they deserted Him in his hour of need and when he prayed “Father forgive them”. The spirit will make you able. Pray for His help.

Nothing less than the testimony of the church is at stake. And, while in all likelihood, your brothers and sisters, the anti-masker, hoax virus advocates and Q Anon conspiracy theorists won’t be the ones to love you well, YOU continue loving, because our beloved Saviour is worthy. It displays the glory of the gospel when we love those that persecute us and lavish love on the church of Christ when we are not loved in return.

More “Woke” than You?

Hi Friends,

Just back from a weekend away and some time to myself. I actually had a whole bed to myself which happens so rarely. Yes, I slept diagonally, on purpose!! I also spent some time wandering around NYC with family and I was able to keep up for the whole day. My body was weary when we got back to the hotel but I made it! I was so very proud. I never know what my body will do on a given day but that day, I felt normal again and it was a joy!

Fast forward to last night and it was not so. My body was acting up so I stayed awake for a few hours after my household had gone to sleep. When that happens I usually think.  I think about some problem in my life or basically think through observations I had tucked away for further exploration when a child doesn’t need a drink of water or a snack. Often, I work out a passage of scripture in my head, working through truths I need to meditate on in my capacity as group discussion leader or worship leader at my church.

This time I was thinking about social justice. I have some millennials in my life-wonderful young people who have a unique view of the world and who are great examples of advocacy and action. As often happens when younger generations observe wrong thinking or inaction in their elders, they take up the cause with all the vigor and strength of conviction of their youth. It is a good thing.

In Christian context, there are many waking up to the fact that wrong and sin have been tolerated in the church for far too long. Waking up to the fact that to be Christian is not to be North American or to be Republican or to be wealthy. Waking up to the reality that  for too long the North American church allowed Christian culture to be mistaken for Christianity. They are NOT one and the same.

The North American church has majored on minors and has been relatively silent over the years on issues of racism, slavery and injustice. Church members sat idly by as their fellow image-bearers  (people made in the image of God) were persecuted for the color of their skin and never said anything because it didn’t directly affect them. Obviously “Love your Neighbor as Yourself” didn’t factor into the equation. Again, Christian culture is NOT true Christianity.

So now, we have a group of millenial believers who aren’t having any of it, and that is good. However…I want to issue a caution to my beloved brothers and sisters. Be careful and guard your hearts against self righteousness. I am becoming increasingly concerned by what I am witnessing and hearing in the way younger believers speak about older ones: “Oh, they are stuck in their ways”, “they are religious like the Pharisees”, “they are legalists” “we want authenticity”, “we are seeking true Christianity”.

Firstly, I am so glad that God is calling his church to more authenticity. Let us be done with the days where people pretend to have their lives together and their squeaky clean exterior becomes the measure by which we judge them. Nobody is squeaky clean. It’s time the church reflected that truth. I am also glad that important issues are being addressed and repentance is being sought for sinful patterns of thinking.

Secondly, I truly believe that religion is the enemy of the true church. We love religious activity: ceremonies, candles, programs, traditions, weird symbolism etc. Our hearts, in their fallen state are wired to love religion. Just read the Bible, you’ll see it everywhere. However, we are taught that no amount of religion can save anyone. The people of God are reprimanded for executing the very thing God commanded them to do? Isaiah 1:10-18

Hear the word of the Lord,
    you rulers of Sodom!
Give ear to the teaching of our God,
    you people of Gomorrah!
 “What to me is the multitude of your sacrifices?
    says the Lord;
I have had enough of burnt offerings of rams
    and the fat of well-fed beasts;
I do not delight in the blood of bulls,
    or of lambs, or of goats.

 “When you come to appear before me,
    who has required of you
    this trampling of my courts?
 Bring no more vain offerings;
    incense is an abomination to me.
New moon and Sabbath and the calling of convocations—
    I cannot endure iniquity and solemn assembly.
 Your new moons and your appointed feasts
    my soul hates;
they have become a burden to me;
    I am weary of bearing them.
 When you spread out your hands,
    I will hide my eyes from you;
even though you make many prayers,
    I will not listen;
    your hands are full of blood.
Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean;
    remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes;
cease to do evil,
    learn to do good;
seek justice,
    correct oppression;
bring justice to the fatherless,
    plead the widow’s cause.

 “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord:
though your sins are like scarlet,
    they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red like crimson,
    they shall become like wool.

 

God is telling his people that their righteous acts do not save them. These people were obeying in the offering of sacrifices but they were disobedient in their oppression of the poor. Their hearts were not following their God. Only their actions were. The sacrifices were not meant to be used to acquire salvation but to point to the one who saves-Jesus!

So, now we have the opposite-a generation awakened to the injustice in the world, following Jesus, seeing his heart for the poor and the oppressed, and they are indicting the generation that preceded them. The danger now becomes that they become self-righteous about their “wokeness” (the dictionary defines woke as: alert to injustice in society, especially racism). They feel they are better than their elders because they see injustice. It’s subtle but it’s spiritually deadly. You see, if the enemy can’t get you to be self righteous one way, he will do it by deceiving you into self righteousness on the other side. And, just like the people of Israel, you can do right things with wrong heart and God will want none of it. Your motives are what he is concerned with. Humility demands that we relate to one another with love. If your brother or sister has a blind spot, understand you also have some and deal with them in love. God may have opened your eyes to see and understand that we have not been a loving church and have not represented Christ well, that we have given Christ a bad name in society, but remember…HE opened your eyes. You aren’t better or more spiritual or more enlightened. You have been commissioned, not exalted.

So, my exhortation would be this: Act justly, love mercy, walk HUMBLY before your God- Michah 6:8. You may be more “woke” than someone else, but Jesus had to die for your sinful self as well!

You Can’t Lead Someone to a Place You’ve Never Been

This is not my saying… It’s a popular one but I got it from Jen Wilkin. She’s been a mentor lately. I don’t know her at all, but through her writing, podcasts and every seminar I can get my hands on, she has been showing me things…deep and beautiful things. I’ll share them one day but for now, this statement is coming back to haunt me.

Recently my eldest son returned from camp. I sent my kids to a Christian camp because I trust the staff there but more importantly, I wanted someone to show them the love of Christ, someone other than ME. When I sent them, they seemed disillusioned, apathetic and doubtful. I prayed every day for them to get a fresh understanding of the truths that are the bedrock of my life and to taste the goodness of God.

Fast forward 7 weeks….God answered me. More than I could ever imagine. My child is talking so differently about faith. He is enthusiastic about the love he has encountered in the scripture and the love he felt from the staff members. Now, I know that camp is a utopia. You live in a bubble where there are no stressors, no assignments, teachers, kids doing drugs etc etc. Teenagers these days are so down and depressed so I can understand the attraction to camp life. But it is a conversation with my son that still haunts me.

He basically told me that he had never understood that God loved him, that God would leave 99 sheep to rescue him? Really? All those years of talks with me and sermons and youth group and Sunday School and family devotions and his Dad going through Hebrews with him at Christmas time? Really???? I felt the pang of reproach and with it the welling up of self-defense. Not MY fault, you were not listening, son!

You see, I hate religion. I hate anything that smells like it. And, in typing this I realize I need to repent from my religiosity about anti religion! I am all about the gospel- Jesus dining with sinners, loving the unlovely….I LOVE this truth. How in 15 years had it never been communicated to my son?!

But quickly, I knew this was not a time for self-preservation and self-righteousness. It was a time to humble myself and to listen. So I asked him to please explain, asked him what I could have done differently. It is an ongoing conversation and I KNOW I need to hear him and to listen well. I NEED my every failure exposed. To be honest, I am still wrestling with it. How does a parent call a child to a higher standard and teach them to be less selfish, less indulgent, kinder, more responsible while at the same time teaching them that they are not accepted on their merit. They are loved as they are. It’s messy and tricky and I am not doing a good job. But I am praying that God covers my insufficiency. That in me asking my son to explain, to open his heart to me, I can show him a vulnerability and communicate to him that I care about how he feels when he is being disciplined and how his perceptions of my discipline matters. There’s no manual for this stuff folks.

So back to my statement at the beginning….Did my son not get the love of God because I couldn’t lead him there? Because one of MY OWN greatest struggles is resting in the love of God? I can’t lead my kids to where I have never been. Oh how needy I am!

I implore you, parents, no matter how old your kids are, ask them questions. Most of all, don’t assume they understand your faith. They may have missed it completely and there is no more important conversation to have. Be open to their criticism and allow them to speak freely about what they perceive to be your faults. And, when it stings, because it will, bring it to God and repent where repentance is needed and then rest despite your failure. He loves your kids more than you do. After all, they are HIS!

Pam

Persevering through Pain

Hi all!

In my last post, I introduced you to my littlest boy, Fiery. Having him was a shock. I remember going to the ER because I really didn’t feel well. My heart was racing all the time and I was tired. Hospital tests showed No pregnancy. A few weeks later, in another ER, the pregnancy was confirmed but assumed to be ectopic. I was closely monitored until finally, weeks later, there was a heart beat. The pregnancy was hard on my body. I had been active, working in a school and had a very busy life. All that ground to a halt as I needed several naps a day and lots of bed-rest.

Since giving birth, my body has not recovered. I have suffered ever since. I remember being in pain for several years after giving birth to my twins. I would wake up in the morning and my legs, feet and toes would be hurting and I would limp through the morning. As the day went on, they would feel better. So, I though, “this is normal, it will pass”. It never did.

I live in constant pain of some kind. My body feels like it was crushed by a car every single day. Have you ever felt like your hair follicles hurt? I feel that often.

Needless to say, that’s discouraging on a daily basis. I find myself refusing to join in on day trips and activities because I cannot handle the pain afterward. It is not where I hoped to be at this point in life. I have a little one that could benefit from a mom that can go to the park and play but this mom can’t.

Slowly, my doctors have been addressing several issues in my body including anemia but the pain still remains.

All this to say that chronic pain is something unseen but it takes a huge toll. I was speaking to a fellow mom the other day who suffers from chronic migraines. She said: “it’s so hard to be a good mom, a patient and kind person when you are in pain!” A truer statement could not be uttered. When your body is throbbing constantly, you snap at people easily, you have no way to cope and so end up taking it out on others. You also live with guilt and shame. It’s hard to hurt all the time. I may want to be the helper and the rock for my family but there are days where I am not good for anything at all.

Another temptation when you live with chronic pain is to check out. But, too much TV isn’t good for anyone’s soul. And so I am perpetually in a needy position. Being needy is NOT my forte. I struggle to ask for help and I feel like a burden to my husband and family. However, this position of neediness has taught me so much! I am learning humility and am learning that I am expected to serve no matter what. If that means serving from a position on the couch by calling one of my kids over to converse or playing little games on the bed with my toddler, I am called to ENGAGE! I am also asked to REST in God’s love and acceptance of me. This is so challenging! I don’t measure up to my own standards, how to I measure up to God’s. BUT we have a gospel of REST. Jesus said “it is finished” and while I am useless  sometimes, I am complete in HIM!  What a counter-cultural concept! My identity is received not achieved (I stole that from Tim Keller)!

And so, for those in the same boat as me…press on! God still has things for you to do and even though seemingly small (sending an encouraging email or prying for people), it is exactly what was ordained for you.

Pam

 

I’m baaaack!

Well, well, well…It’s been a HOT minute, people! I am back at my keyboard. I took a break from blogging for a few years. Too many things were happening to me personally and in every area of my life. I decided that writing was not a priority and that if I ever got back to blogging, it would be when I had something to share, to contribute. I’m into my fourth decade of life now ( gulp!) and have learned a few things through some hard knocks. I’m a little slower to speak now and have realized that there is a lot of gray in this world. People and situations cannot be simply put into a category, there are so many factors to consider. I have learned to be a better listener and I have learned to take my time in judging.

That’s not to say my snark is gone…it isn’t. It probably will never be. I think it makes life spicy sometimes. But hopefully, by God’s grace, I can patent my own version of graceful snarkiness. Is there such a thing as sanctified sarcasm? Gosh I hope so!

So, why blog again?

Because my creativity is back. I have been thinking things and feeling things, I have had the privilege of teaching things and modelling things. I have tings to say, if not only to my friends, especially to my kids. And, I want a record of my thought process and my journey.

Speaking of my kids. You all remember Brainy, Grumpy and Jumpy? Yeah, well they are teenagers now! They are growing into young men with their own sets of likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses and they make my life very interesting! Parenting them is challenging and fun. Never a day goes by where I know exactly what to say or do. They are unique, they are skeptics, they are….moody! Man, can the emotional weather change from one moment to the next! It keeps life interesting.

Another thing keeping my life fun is the addition of another little guy into this family. Yup, Surprise! We had another son almost four years ago and he is the joy of my heart. He is sweet but feisty, loving, yet strong-willed. I must admit, there are days where parenting him exhausts me but his cuddles and his love also fill my heart. You’ll be hearing more of my adventures with him. He needs a blog nickname…let’s go with “Fiery”.

So, here I am… Follower of Jesus, wife to Mr. T, mom to Brainy, Grumpy, Jumpy and Fiery, daughter, sister, friend, worship leader, autism mom, Bible teacher and renewed blogger.

Thanks for following me

Pam

Standing in the Gap Between a Rock and a Hard Place

So I am hoping to make my return to this blog as unannounced as possible. Those who are still subscribed may have been surprised to see this in your inbox. It won’t be  a regular thing but I had some thoughts and I wanted to record them. Then, I figured they could be helpful to someone else. That’s why I blog. If I have an epiphany, I figure someone may be able to benefit and so I share.

I am an avoider. I avoid all things uncomfortable. I will wait while those who know me have their laugh. The truth is, sometimes, if I feel like the repercussions are small, I may willingly stick myself in a tough situation (pointing out poor customer service tot eh waitress for example) but at the end of the day, the least amount of trouble, the happier I am.

This is the reason I procrastinate. It is also the reason I will avoid people. If I am hurt by someone, I deal with it by staying away for a while while I work things out on my own. It’s my reaction when having to take on a challenge or try something new. Definitely my reaction when I have to get form A to B and take all the side roads instead of the big bad highway. Many times you will find a perfectionist hiding in the skin of the avoider. If you know you’ll fail, avoid! That’s basically where I hang out.

These examples all seem rather benign but the problem an avoider will face in their spiritual life is avoiding the fight. We all know the Christian life is war. If I surprised you in any way with this statement you may need to return to your Bible. Recently I have been thrown into a spiritual war. While my deepest desire is for my family to serve Christ, I have been encountering opposition. My kids roll their eyes at me when I cut into their play time with Bible time. “Moooom, seriously, do we have to? It’s not like God answers us or anything.” These words sting. As your kids get older and you realize that the God you have loved all your life is not their God, that the Christ you worship as Saviour is none other than a weak whimp to them, you come to the point where you have to decide: persevere through or avoid. I justified my avoidance by saying that “salvation belongs tot the Lord”… I can’t save them so just leave it alone. Something inside still wasn’t too comfortable with that stance.

I have been going through the Pentateuch this year with Bible Study Fellowship. One thing that God has been showing me is Moses’ intercession for the people who are so quick to throw him and his God under the bus. His reaction to this people’s unbelief is not to quit- he intercedes for them. He asks God to remember His covenant and he keeps on in obedience.

I had in mind that I would teach my kids to pray. If I wrote down truths of God they could easily read them as prayers and learn how to relate to a God they do not personally know. This was my goal for March Break. On Tuesday, I fell sick, I have been on the couch most of the week. As I watched my kids waste their time away seeking joy in video games and TV, I consoled myself with the fact that it was OK to not stand firm, I was sick after all. I barely had energy to play Tetris on my phon. The Spirit compelled me and kept prompting me and today I got the strength to call my kids to the couch, open my Bible and start telling them of what I was learning. I got the regular eye rolls, the disinterested blank stares, the hurtful comments but I pushed through, begging God to be faithful to my small step of faith. This is the beginning of my fight. There will be many more years. I need to bring my avoidance tendencies to  the cross every day. If I am going to be a faithful prophet in an unbelieving environment, I will have to expect persecution and I will have to be OK with standing alone. I will stand in that lonely and difficult place with my eyes fixed on the Christ who “for the joy set before him, endured the cross”

Just Another Manic Sunday

I do not like Sundays. It’s the worst day of the week for me. Day of Rest, Ha!

Right now, my head is pounding and I am tired. OK, full confession, We decided to re-live a little bit of our youth last night and stayed up to watch the “main event” with our friends. It was fun, but now I am tired ( although I did sleep in to make up for the lost time).

Hubby is sleeping, has been since 7 pm. His back hurts.

I am facing an evening of baking and trying to scrape together what I can muster for the kids’ lunches tomorrow. I was supposed to go grocery shopping but it’s too late now. It takes longer to get the kids ready for bed when you’re only one person.Ah, lonely, yucky evening….getting water bottles and thermoses ready to be filled tomorrow, locating mitts, hats and snow pants so that we can make an attempt at being on time for school. Where’s so and so’s agenda? Oh. he decided to take it to the bathroom with him, who knew? Oh, and where are those field trip forms again?

Then there was the homework, the tears… it’s public speaking week so everyone is working on speeches from “The War of 1812” to “Platypuses'” and “Trains”.

Well, at least church was restful this morning you may say. NOPE! Not where I go to church. To keep our church running most of the people do a whole lot! We don’t have our own building. There’s the set-up, the take-down, looking for misplaced curriculum and wondering what happened to the CD player that used to work but now doesn’t.

All the stress causes tension. It’s not peaceful at home.

Of course in my dreams, I go to a huge church where I sing in a choir of 50+ and the music is beautiful. The pews are wood and the building is majestic rousing wonder and awe…

I go to church in Quebec. There’s nothing big, beautiful, majestic and restful about it. It’s a mission field, a grind. If you go to an American Mega-Church, you probably have no category at all for what it means to go to church here. The same ministry needs to happen but with a fraction of the laborers. Whether you have 5 kids in your Sunday school or 105, you’re still called and burdened to prepare a  great lesson for them but you have less volunteers.

Thankfully, most Pastors I know do get Monday off in this province but the volunteer Elders, Sunday-school teachers, musicians, people who worked on the bulletin, people who baked for coffee hour…they all go back to the grind tomorrow.

The day of rest came and went…and I’m exhausted!

 

A Mother’s Prayer

I heard Kristyn Getty perform this song  last April. I am learning it to sing to my boys each night.

Thou Shalt Not Covet…

Thy Neighbor’s Prayer Requests.

Have you ever coveted some people’s prayer requests? Ever want someone else’s problems instead of your own?

I had such an experience the other day. I had asked for prayer for my son, specifically for wisdom and the right doctors that would follow him as we decide what the next phase will be for him. It’s overwhelming and difficult to know  the right thing to do. It feels like we are deciding his future for him but we’re doing it blindfolded. There are many variables and many obstacles and the more we discuss the more options emerge making it more and more confusing.

I have to admit there are days where I wish that I had typically developing kids. Most of my hurt is from my own sin. I feel ashamed when my kids disrupt church or when they act impulsively, breaking people’s things or interrupting conversations so they can speak (because if they wait too long they forget what they were going to say). Part of the shame comes from comparing them to others their age.

You moms will know what I mean. There’s always that family whose kids obey immediately, sit nicely in church and excel at everything. The truth is, it shouldn’t phase me one bit, but it does. As much as I can overcome my sin and my coveting other people’s families most days, there are those days where the pain seems to be sitting higher up in my chest, ready to come out.

Last Tuesday nigth was one of those times and the thought came to me… don’t covet your neighbors prayer requests no matter how light their load may seem. Maybe their load is light and mine is heavy.

“Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.” (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this he said to him, “Follow me.” Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them, the one who had been reclining at table close to him and had said, “Lord, who is it that is going to betray you?” When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, “Lord, what about this man?” Jesus said to him, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!” (John 21:18-22)

So there is the rebuke from God’s word. What is it to you, Pam if everyone else’s kids are healthy obedient and successful? You follow me on the path I have put you on and I will be with you and I will strengthen you and your rest is coming. There will be no disability in heaven!